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Jokes and funny stories

husky drvr

Platinum Level Sponsor
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Wayne67vert

Donation Time
So two guys applied for the same job.
They both had similar backgrounds and education. They took a 20 question test.

The 1st got the job.

The 2nd went into the HR office with some questions.
“Did I screw up the test?”
“No, you only missed one.”
“How ‘bout the 1st?”
“Oh, he only missed one, too. In fact, you both missed number 17.”

“Then how come he got the job?”

“Well, his answer was, “I don’t know.”
and your answer was, “Neither do I.”
 

Aladin Sane

Diamond Level Sponsor
Looking at mine before I pulled it all out, I am pretty sure the smoke had all leaked out already. But mine would have needed the negative earth formulation.
 

hartmandm

Moderator
Diamond Level Sponsor
An oldie ... if Lucas made a vacuum cleaner, it would be their one product that didn't suck.
 

husky drvr

Platinum Level Sponsor
Thanks for reminding me about these:

Lucas Jokes

  • Why didn't the Germans bomb the Lucas plants during WWII? The Germans considered Lucas an ally.
  • The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."
  • "And the Lord said 'let there be light'...Joseph Lucas replied 'no way, Lord, no way'."
  • Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness".
  • Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
  • Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
  • The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.
  • The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.
  • "I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob..."
  • If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.
  • Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.
  • It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.
  • Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"
  • Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.
  • Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.
  • Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.
  • Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.
  • Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times clockwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."
  • Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.
  • Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.
  • In the 1980's Lucas tried to get into the newly burgeoning PC market, but they discontinued the product when they couldn make it leak oil.
  • Why are there no skyscrapers in London? Lucas makes elevators
  • Lucas Factory motto, put in a good day's work then home before dark.
  • Why is there no death penalty in England? Lucas makes electric chairs.
 

Warren

Bronze Level Sponsor
IDK having had German early cars we always had dim and not as dim lights. Plus the Green light went on when oil pressure went bye bye, and the red light when the generator failed, now there's a joke in there :)
 

bobbo

Gold Level Sponsor
First mate to Captain;
" Think you can turn this around?"
Captain to First mate;
" hold my beer!"

I laughed so hard, I had to post.
 

husky drvr

Platinum Level Sponsor
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
 

husky drvr

Platinum Level Sponsor
A Priest, Lawyer, Doctor and Engineer were playing golf.

The 4-some in front was incredibly slow, so they called the ranger over to complain.

The Ranger says, "Well, those 4 guys are local firemen who saved 20 orphans when the orphanage burnt down. Unfortunately, they were all blinded by the fire. But for their bravery, we allow them to play anytime they want."

The Priest says, " I will certainly say a special prayer for those brave men at Mass this Sunday.

The Lawyer says, "I will work Pro-Bono to be sure they get the compensation they deserve!"

The Doctor says," I will contact my colleagues in the eye surgery center to see what they can do."

The Engineer says, "Why can't they play at night?......."
 

husky drvr

Platinum Level Sponsor
The Priest stayed home, but the Doctor, Lawyer and Engineer go on a trip to Iran.
While there, they are accused, tried and convicted of espionage.
They are sentenced to death by the guillotine.
The Doctor is given the choice - face up or face down. He chooses face up. The executioner pulls the lever ... and nothing happens.
The judge says, "By the grace of Allah, you have been spared, you are free to go"
The Lawyer sees what happened, and when given the choice, he chooses face up.
The executioner pulls the lever ... and nothing happens.
The judge says, "By the grace of Allah, you have been spared, you are free to go"
The Engineer is also given the choice, and chooses face up.
They place him on the guillotine.
Suddenly he blurts out, "Oh, I see what's wrong......"
 

husky drvr

Platinum Level Sponsor
Another Government Study Provides outstanding Results
CSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory, where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
The Territory Government approved and the CSIRO contracted a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. (Didn't know there was a difference!)
The Territory Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.
After 18 months of research and $2.7 million spent, the Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in the deaths.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was, that the lookout crow could say, Kah but he could not say Truck.
I just wanted to make sure that you knew your tax money was being well spent.
 

husky drvr

Platinum Level Sponsor
A bishop advertised for a bell ringer in the church tower. An armless man applies for the job. The bishop asks how he can possibly ring the bell with no arms.
The man says "Trust me, I've got this."
He backs up five feet, runs to the bell, jumps up, hits the bell squarely with his face, ricochets off the bell and falls out of the tower to his death.
A crowd forms below.
A policeman calls up to the bishop "Do you know this man?"

(wait for it)



The bishop replies, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!"









The next day the dead man's brother applies for the same job. He too has no arms.
The bishop says "I already watched one armless man die trying to ring that bell, I'm not going to risk it again!"
The man states that he knows why his brother fell to his his death, and he guarantees he can ring the bell safely.
The man backs up ten feet, runs to the bell, jumps up, glances off the bell with the top of his head, then fells out of the tower to his death.

As a crowd forms below, a policeman asks "Do you know who this man is?"

The bishop shouts down "All I know is he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
 
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husky drvr

Platinum Level Sponsor
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, NY, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, CA, archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read:
"California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Atlanta, GA, reported the following:
"After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Marietta GA, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Georgia had already gone wireless".
 
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