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Jokes and funny stories

husky drvr

Platinum Level Sponsor
Two ropes walk into a bar. Bartender says we don't serve your kind here so they leave.

One rope says I got an idea so he ties himself into a knot and frays one of his ends then goes back into the bar. Bartender says hey, aren't you a rope. Rope says nope, I'm a frayed knot.
 

Aladin Sane

Diamond Level Sponsor
I got thrown out of a fancy country club bar the other day because the bartender said I had to have a tie on. I didnt have one with me, so I went out to the car and thought about what I could do to get in. I ended up looping my jumper cables around my neck and tied them in a full windsor knot. I went back in and asked the bartender if that would work for him. He said, I guess so, just dont be starting anything.
 

Alpine 1789

SAOCA President
Diamond Level Sponsor
This seemed like the appropriate place to post this photo:

118351587_10164718062140112_1484505167126959937_n.jpg
 

husky drvr

Platinum Level Sponsor
Having issue with radio noise.



So I put a filter on my plug wire like suggested. Now the thing won't start.



Do I need to install a primer bulb as well?


attachment.php
 

MikeH

Diamond Level Sponsor
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says,”What’ll ya have?”
The skeleton replies, “2 beers and a mop.”
 
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husky drvr

Platinum Level Sponsor
WAR OF 1812 AT WAL-MART
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to "Wally World" to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people thatfrequent the establishment. But, I digress, enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?”
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?”
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812 . .
” I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?”
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.
"1946", I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1946?”
"It was a Black Op Mission. No one is supposed to know about it.
” This was beginning to become fun!
"Dude! Really?" He exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?”
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage.”
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still classified 'Top Secret' and I shouldn't have said anything.”
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look. . "Like, what's gonna’ happen if I do?”
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you?
We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?”
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.
The lady behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack. I just grinned at her. After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.
Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture.
He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
And these people VOTE!
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day I will go to the driver's license bureau wearing my Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.
Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need to wear the right kind of cap!
 

husky drvr

Platinum Level Sponsor
King of the Jungle: Dog vs. Lion

A lost dog strays into a jungle.
A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution,
“This guy looks edible,
I’ve never seen his kind before.”

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic,
but as he’s about to run,
he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.
He says loudly, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!”

The lion abruptly stops and says, “Woah!
This guy seems tougher then he looks,
I better leave while I can.”
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened.
The lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together.”
And they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them and realized what happened,
starting to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts,

“Where the heck is that monkey!
I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”
 

Warren

Bronze Level Sponsor
Received from a friend concerning Governor Gruesome
Mandate....
It used to be the only guy with a mandate was Jim McGreevy. ..
Not that there's anything wrong with that ;)


Thanksgiving Dinner. We've been told that only 6 people are allowed to meet for Thanksgiving. But 30 for a funeral. With this I announce that we will be holding a funeral for our pet turkey that will pass away on November 26th.
Refreshments provided.
In lieu of flowers please bring a side or desert.
RSVP
 

Gordon Holsinger

Diamond Level Sponsor
Received from a friend concerning Governor Gruesome
Mandate....
It used to be the only guy with a mandate was Jim McGreevy. ..
Not that there's anything wrong with that ;)


Thanksgiving Dinner. We've been told that only 6 people are allowed to meet for Thanksgiving. But 30 for a funeral. With this I announce that we will be holding a funeral for our pet turkey that will pass away on November 26th.
Refreshments provided.
In lieu of flowers please bring a side or desert.
RSVP
Would that be gruesome newsome?
 
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